i promised i wouldnt blog about this but i have to.

sometimes in life things pop up out of the blue.they suprise you, and your not sure how to react.How can you always be sure you did the right thing?you changed for the right reasons?or you choose the right path?Its the small things.The things like feeling this insane amount of warmth and rightness when you see that persons face when they arrive for coffee that windy and rainy day.The only way to describe how i feel when my friends are scared or in pain or hurt is that I'm terrified.I'm terrified every moment i'm not with them.I'm terrified every time they leave my sight.What if something happened to them?what if something happened to them when they got home from school and you never got to see their smile or hear their laughter ever again?Mr Tate talked to us today about the 'what ifs' about what happened to meg yesterday.i started to cry.It makes me hurt so much to think of what could have happened.Last night i was kept awake with thoughts of 'what if he had slipped?''what if it had been wolf and he had hurt her?' 'what if that had happened, and i hadn't been there to protect Meg or Wolf?'

People say i have changed.I used to be and i will honestly say this a self obsessed bitchy two faced girl who treated people like crap. Looking back i dont know why Wolf or Meg or Lauz or Kim or any of the others are still here for me. I don't deserve their friendship, but they waited. they waited till i realised what was happening.They waited for me to realise that i was the kind of person i detest.the one who would put guys before girls. and lie to their friends.I am and always will be sorry for how i was.

I stand up for what i believe in and don't just do what i think people expect of me anymore. I lost the person i used to be.And i think i have finally found her. I read that some people think i just disappeared the moment trouble started.But I'm sorry, i couldn't stand by you whilst you did that. Its fair enough saying friends should always stand by you.But when is it time to draw the line?I cant be the person you want me to be. I cant do that. you say that it was like i didn't care. Trust me i did. It was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. But i couldn't carry on as i was. It was slowly but surely ripping me apart from inside out.

You cant blame this all on one person. It wasn't him who made me change. It was me. I stood by and watched my friends fight like beggars over food. but this was them fighting over something i don't understand. they were fighting over a guy. a jackass, knife threatening, prick of a guy. I watched as friendships were ruined and tears were shed. and i couldn't take it anymore. i tried to be there for everyone.but i cant. i cant watch my friends do that. i cant watch them go through pain like that. i cant stand by and watch as my friends start cutting themselves like its the latest trend. or carving fucking hearts onto their legs. No i cant. And i wont. So i withdrew. not just a little. Completely. It was like somebody pressed my self protect button. I walked around like a ghost. an empty hollow ghost.

I didn't stop caring. far from it. i cried each night. and did things that have left me with most likely life scars. Iv learnt a lesson. Life sure as fuck isnt fair. I carried on like this untill...i think it was the day Bella and heather had that argument with Robbie and spence. about the using thingy. Yet again my friend was getting hurt. Why do people feel the need to bring people down? if they are miserable, everybody else has to be too. Hence if for once lauz was in a happy and loving relationship and heather and bella were single, they had to ruin that relationship.I hate it. Cant friends just be happy? that was the day i realised. these aren't my real friends. the ones that smile when i talk about josh and see how happy i am, they are my real friends. the ones that don't judge me over something i did and understand why i did it, they are my real friends.

I didn't just walk away. I didn't just say "hey I'm happy and your not and i don't want to be around someone who is unhappy" i COULDN'T stand by you anymore. I couldn't stand by you whilst you put a guy before a best friend. i couldn't stand by you whist you made those little comments that hurt like hell. i couldn't stand by you as you ripped me apart. i wasn't happy. But josh eases the pain.he makes me feel special. he listens. I don't care about what you think of him. i honestly don't. It doesn't matter to me whether you trust him or not. what matters is what i think, if i trust him, and if i love him. and i do. so for once, please just let this be about someone else. the world doesn't revolve around you.

i dont want to fight. i dont want to be best friends. i just want to be me. and i want to be happy. And i cant take this anymore.so i wont.

I'm not perfect, and i never will be. I will never claim to be the worlds best friend. But i will never go back to that person i became.

Rayne