hello there,
its 1 :23 in the morning and im kinda confused.
im not too sure about what exactly,all i know is that it is stopping me from sleeping. i have been readin through old posts by mainly bella, and readin the comments made on them. so far i have read that bilby thinks my life is a drama movie.
im not sure how to take that. does that mean he thinks im over dramatic ? or an actress ? or that i always want to be in the spotlight?
i also read bella saying that she has learned to depend on me too much. Bella hun. i will always be here. you CAN always depend on me no matter what. i love you so much. being away from you actually hurts me. when my life is hanging by an edge, and all i can think about is a hot bath and cold razor blades. you are the only thing that stops me from making those fantasies become real life. if anything i depend on you too much. i depend on you to keep me alive.
i make so many mistakes in life. i dont learn from them all but i try my best. i read bella saying that we arennt so inoccent any more. im not sure when i became who i am now. i remember being the little 11 year old tomboy who was only interested in soccer and playing outdoors.the only girl the boys would allow to play soccer with them at recess and lunch. the girl who would only wear sports strips and would watch action movie nonstop. the girl who watched the disney channel and never gave a damn about what anyone was thinking about her. or who was watching. the one that didnt care about popularity or how skinny she was.
its hard to look back on those times and then see who i have became. because when i reaslise who i now am. it makes me ashamed. i am shallow. 2 years ago if i had met the person i have became, i would have been disgusted. i dont regret some of the choices i have made. but some i look back on and think "this isnt you.". how do you know when too much is too much ? how do you know when you have finnaly crossed that line? when do you know when to stop, when you cant tell right from wrong? how can you choose an opinion when you dont even know what you believe in ?
i dont like being held back. especially because of my age. i knew this one guy. we were sooo close. we talked all the time and realy cared bout one and another. the only problem was, after awhile his mates gave him a hard time about my age. he cracked under the strain.and hasent talked to me since, if your going to comit to being somebodys friend, you should not care about what anyone else thinks. if you really care about this person, does age matter? god knows i am a hell of allot maturer than most people my age, for christ sake, im more mature than people 3 years older than me! i am maturer in body, mind and experience. most of the time i enjoy this fact. sometimes it has its drawbacks.
in two years time, looking back , will i be proud of the choices i make? how do you accept the person you are, when you dont know what you have become? i am the party girl, the one that drinks, hooks up with guys and has a pretty big rep to live up too.
i have finnally found someone to keep me sane.but how long will it last ? my grades are slipping, my family cant stand me, iv made stupid mistakes and done stupid things with stupid people. when will i have enough strength to stop myself? cause sometimes nowadays, i can feel myself at the edge of the cliff, toes curled along the rough and slippery edge, barely keeping a grip,about to fall, with no one to grab me and pull me back to saftey, or to catch me when i fall.
how can someone, who has soo many people in their life, feel so alone half the time? i love my friends, they make life pleasent. but sometimes i wonder if it is where i belong. there are some places i just suddenly feel safe in, and i feel as though i will be accepted, no act needed(bilbys party was one of these rare occurances).
i may seem unsteady,uncaring,hurtfull and obnoxious. but honestly deep down, im just a 14 year old girl trying to find a place in a world where she cant belong.
so maybe my life is a drama. but can someone please answer me this, am i the goodie, or the baddie? is my ending sad or happy? and most of all, when does this movie end?
haha woah that was a depressing blog : hahaha anyway, that has been cooped up iim nside me for long enough. it is time to move on haha :) i dont know whats happening.
but i get the feeling that things we be good again soon :)
sorry bout my massive moan, i realise that basicly everybody else's blogs are never so depressing...hahah that probably makes mine a drone to read hahaha :) soorrrry
from now on i shall only post happy blogs.
i am over trying to impress people. now it is me.Rayne.:)
WELCOME TO LOSERVILE :D
Rayne
xXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
11 comments:
Grr internet died on me and so I had typed a long comment that was lost...
I'm so dizzy... let's hope I can make it through this a second time without fainting.
Mmme. OK! yeah something about how you were all depressing, pouring out all this emotion and wondering about why things happen... then go "ok that was depressing haha!" and move on. I do that all the time (Just not in blog form.) it works. for a while.
Anyhoo! well I don't think you're an actress, but it is normal for the youngest child to crave the spotlight and attention. but I don't think it's that... you do overreact to a bunch of things you know... and sometimes ur just plain delusional and go on strange rants about things that dont make sense but it's all got to do with what state of mind you're in (now if you get insulted by this: you're being overdramatic. I'm not insulting merely observing things)
Well OK good thing you brought up the movie metaphor. You're describing your life like a novel... OK wait, that didn't make sense what I just said. (maybe u have good writing skills?) No what I meant was you referenced twilight... OK how on earth are you the bad guy? I don't remember you killing people... so that analogy doesn't make sense but it's a nice fantasy to be part of. Everyone wants to live in a movie.... I forgot what my point was... (maybe movies influence us a lot? they really do... it's amasing the amount of influence the outside world has on us. Just don't read any magazines and you should be fine :P)
fantasies! please don't have ones involving hot baths and razor blades... well actually I don't quite get the idea of the hot bath. Wouldn't that be relaxing? Nice warm bath... relaxing... now if it was a freezing ice cold bath then I'd see a problem with that (you know those big blocks of ice I had at my party that were made in yoghurt containers? I put them in the sink to make the drinks cold..... they weren't meant for making DRINKS cold... but I learnt with that little experiment that they'd melt far too fast before they could make an entire bathtub to a cold enough temperature...... hey what did that mean? absolutely nothing! ignore it hahaha)
I was so innocent once... a few years back I wouldn't be able to watch 300 I'd be too squeamish, I never swore at all and everything seemed so much simpler... if I met me a years back I'd really dislike myself... things change. But I strangely seem to be the only one who's handling this with a smile. Life is what you make of it really...
How was that helpful!? I don't know I'm so tired now... sleep patterns have just been f***ed in a few days without the order of school. Things can get blown apart pretty damn quickly without something to guide you... perhaps all you need is someone to help you? I like who you are now. Sure you have your flaws, but they're not more numerous than anyone else... we're all unique in a sense. (but if you feel that you should get rid of these flaws then I suggest the drinking should go. Habits you have now will always get worse and stronger as you get older so best to tackle it now before you become an alcoholic with no self-respect at the age of 20... yeah thats why there's legal drinking age limits. Not just because our body can't handle it but because it's to try and stop us for as long as we can... if they changed the legal drinking age to 21 it'd just shift things slightly up a few years. No one obeys the law and so thats y we're set high standards... so if we fall short it doesn't matter as badly if we were given realistic ones.)
People care a lot less about what you wear than you do... and those who do are just plain pathetic and should be ignored. You know Sam is larger than you and she has tons of issues but still has guys chasing her right? Be yourself, not a prisoner of your mind.
Maybe the line is where I say "You can stop telling me this..." you know... just a hint there :P OK on, back to seriousness.
Enjoy being young. Yeah I know your age shouldn't hold you back but right now you're at the point in your life where you don't need to worry about things older people do. Enjoy that! F*** those idiots who can't see past the age barrier. You're young you should be free!
Well to avoid regretting what you do always think three years into the future. That's what I do. "OK it seems like a good idea NOW... but when I'm older will I regret this?" so I stop and wait until the idea goes away or I can find a flaw in it or, alternatively, find a good reason why it's worthwhile. We should only get swept up in the moment for the little things like running down the street laughing, eating a s***load of pizza or writing a blog... life changing things need time. I'm sure you'll look back and think "Damn I was stupid... but lol I had a good time!" about so many things. As much as you hate to hear it: you're young. And when you're looking back when you're older that'll be your excuse "I was young." and so then it becomes slightly more justifiable (depending on what you did.) so this is when you make your mistakes.
You are the good guy, you don't need to act to impress, and I have never ever thought for a moment you were uncaring :)
your comments are nearly as long as my blogs :|
haha you make me feeel warm inside...
btw the readon the hot bath :it numbs the cuts.....and a hot bath makes blood flow quicker...meaning...you die quicker....
yeah i know these things...
haha:)
im young and free :D
Well the solution is to write blogs that are 5 pages long... give me a challenge :P
I thought about the bloodflow thing afterwards. Makes perfect sense.
you should heat up the razorblade in the warm water, and also warm up the area ur planning to cut. that way it cuts deeper and beelds out quicker:P
yea i know my shit too.
i understand the whole being alone even when you have awsome people around you. lol, another chapter in the dramatic life of me. for further information, check my blogs titled "there's no solution" and "brooding insanity explodes into an orgy of invertebrate sex".
im glad we could all make you feel happy at bilby's party, if only for a short time. and i understand the looking back on yourself and thinking, wtf, this isnt me. i do that alot, about once a year i go through this whole metamorphosis stage were i become obsessed with changing myself into more of what i used to want to be.
although right now i really want to be an assassin...:P
from the few moments iv met and talked to you, i know that your an awsome person. im a good judge of character, trust me. it doesnt matter how old, young, mature, or immature a person is. that guy didn't deserve to have you as a friend.
if its any consolation, i'll gladly be your friend, if you want me as one. its a pity you don't go to our school. then our little awsome group could be one member bigger:)
by the way, please dont hurt yourself or anything. trust me, sharp objects like razors hurt. so do steak knifes and scissors. overdosing or hanging would be a much more pleasant way to go, and jumping off a tall object would be pretty quick and painless, so would a bullet to the head.
dont get any idea's though. please dont. i dont know you that well, but i would still miss you. who elses interesting blogs would i get to read???
no-one, cause their boring. and who gives a fuck about grades and family??? im relatively happy living without either:P i'd much rather be homeless and penniless, but still with all my friends, than working some expensive uptight dead end suit job behind a desk for the rest of my life trying to make enough money for the next biggest range of i-pods and laptops.
and if you did fall, and i happened to be in the vicinity, i'd catch you.
hmm this probably sounds creepy coming from a random not-a-chick whom you barely know. still, it had to be said.
by the way, is that the aaron chapman who goes to duncraig???
cause if so, i walk home with him practically every day.
ur not a sex addict. otherwise you wouldnt have said i dont want to die a virgin at bilby's birthday. aaron is a legend, and he walks because i buy him energy drink. how do u know him anyway???
haha things have moved on from bilbys party :)
hahah longgg story
known him for zonkkkks haha
:)energy drinks are goood :D
oh so i can kill you now can i:P
no i wouldnt do that...only uncool people shall be killed...
in any case...NICE!!! wow they get younger and younger each year...
still, i think there should be free sex for everybody who wants it!
except bilby... the thought of that just...eeeeewwwwww :P
I can hurt you TTTSNB...
You do realise people read this right?
haha yeh like me... yeh im so pathetic im reading a blog where my friend pours her depressed heart out and im like getting depressed and then i read all nine comments everyone else made and and feel quite like laughing because i know things!
and hearing everyone say all that real sweet stuff i was like aaaaaaw. so now i feel like i cant live up to their words. and its not fair because they're guys! and no offence if ur a guy but ummmm getting a guy (ok fine most guys) to show emotion apart from stupidity, selfishness, arrogance and all that crap is really quite hard.
i mean when a guy says something incredibly sweet you have to like write it down so you can remember it or something coz its so rare. not that im like writing all those comments down. that would be just plain weird...
yeh so about being sympathetic and all that. wow that sounds really unsympathetic. anyways.
rayne hun im very glad that you do not cut urself up like a certain someone (aka me) when you get depressed. beleive me you're not alone in your depression. thinking back to writing my blogs i nearly always felt like extremely bad.
and id like to add 3 instruments of pain to the list: a compass, broken glass and a badge pin. i know these from experience which you can see proof of on my leg.
your life is like a drama because your dramatic. i mean lets face it we all are but seriously you got a little more of the dramatic gene thing or something coz ur like off the scale dramatic.
ooooh!!! i know! its not that we have changed (yep thats right im now including myself!)our identities or anything its just that we have different personalities! i dont mean we have like a multiple personality disorder i just mean ...
okay remember at the beach that one time with school and we didnt bring our stuff as per usual so we were on the beach instead of the water? and we were talking about stuff. (yep thats righ! stuff!) and we were talking about the different people we were. when you think of the person you were thats like rebecca. and there's bec. and becca. and becs. and bex. and bex kitten. and bex kitty. and bec whore. you see how those names kinda get a bit different in like a not as straight way.
i mean you wouldnt call the old 'rebecca' bec whore coz that wasnt who she was. you see? ur just..okay now i realise that everyone who calls you bec whore calls you a whore. and im pretty sure it was you who told me about that name... okaaaaay.
anyway im not saying ur a whore im just saying that everyone is completely mental just especially us since we are lots of different people in one body.
okay i didnt mean that either but seriously i cant remember the point of all that so just use ur imagination and turn it into something really sweet and sympathetic like the guys comments were.
bella x (and all the rest of the people she is)
just remember hunni there is a person i left out in that list of names. raynebow. which remember is me and you. as in us. you and me. sunny and rayney. together:)
bells, you dont cut yourself....:S
and thanks people:)your all awesome:D
Post a Comment